The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

I hope you're prepared for a list style review, as that is what you're about to get.  I'm hoping to keep it general enough to avoid spoilers.  I'm about to tell you all about The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2. As you probably already know, it is not a good  movie.

Since it's a short list, I'm just going to take a paragraph and talk about what was good about this film.  There were actually a couple of lines that were supposed to make me laugh that succeeded.  Taylor Lautner was most definitely the best part of the movie.  I have no idea why, but his scenes were less cringe worthy than his the scenes featuring his co-stars.  Maybe I feel better about him because I like the design for the wolves.  They may not look like they're really there, but they look good.  I think that sums up the good.*

Now, let's talk about the rest of the film.  This was the first of the Twilight movies I saw in the theater.  I never felt like fighting the crowds, and I don't feel that my presence is appreciated in showings such as this.  Mark and I get through these movies by mocking them pretty mercilessly, which may not be the best way to approach something I'm going to review.

I've given the Twilight Saga a fair shake.  I've read all of the books at least twice, and I enjoyed them.  I recognize that they're not amazing pieces of literature.  They're popcorn books...easy to read, non-filling.  I'm okay with that.  I am okay with popcorn movies too, but the film adaptations of this group of novels is just plain bad.

Let me count the ways..

1. The opening credits -- You can establish the overall mood of a movie with your opening credits.  You can also just throw names up in front of pretty landscape pictures and the like.  This film tends toward the latter, focusing on alternating red and black/white.  It's incredibly unimaginative and doesn't do anything for the movie.  Granted, you don't have to make your credits mean anything, but why not do something useful with them?  One could argue that it represents Bella changing from human to vampire, but I would think that's grasping at straws.
2. The baby  -- Seriously, whose idea was it to CGI the baby's face?  It was incredibly creepy and a waste of time and money.  It served to show what was wrong with the movies.  Cast a baby that looks like the actress; don't put her face on the baby.  It was so distracting and horrifying!  I kept looking for George Lucas' name to pop up in the credits because it was on par with something he would do.  It was a bad choice, and someone should have said so.  They would have been better off re-shooting those scenes than sending out that product.  It's like on Top Chef.  If the dish isn't good, don't serve it.
3. The acting -- I find it almost offensive when a movie casts talented actors and gives them nothing to work with; it's such a waste.  Did you see Frost/Nixon?  If you've not seen it, you probably assume that Michael Sheen can't act.  He is actually very talented.  I'm not sure how Robert Pattinson actually is, as I haven't really seen any of the other movies he has starred in, save the fourth Harry Potter film.  He seemed just fine in that.  Then, there is Dakota Fanning, who has proven her ability to act in multiple films.  I'm not saying the cast was comprised of amazing actors, but there were some good ones in there that are underused in the films.
4. Kristen Stewart  -- I would have listed her under the problems with acting, but I figured she needed her own entry.  Did you see Adventureland?  I did.  It was actually pretty good, and she did just fine.  I've heard she did an amazing job in The Runaways.**  I'm not sure what it is about the Twilight movies that zaps all acting talent from the actors, but it needs to be stopped!  Seriously, any time she was on screen, I was overwhelmed with the urge to yell DERP!***  I never acted on it, but I did whisper it to Mark a few times.  She does not do well with the non-verbal component of acting.  I'm sure some of the problem stems from the source material.  Since there are amazing actors that are just awful in this, that would make sense.  On a side note, it is absolutely hilarious that there is a scene where they teach Kristen Stewart to act human.  Tell me that Mark and I were not the only ones to see the humor in that.
5. Miles Matheson -- This one isn't a real complaint, but it bothered me.  I guess this is more a failing on my part.  Billy Burke plays Bella's dad, but on tv, he plays Miles Matheson on Revolution.  I couldn't get past that.  He looked like Miles done up with a weird porn 'stache.  He look so much older too.  
6. The Volturi -- There are three of them, and I feel sorry for the blond one, as he is so out of his league with the other two.  Well, in a real movie, he would be out of his league.  In the Twilight films, he may be the least over-acted of the three.  Michael Sheen, who I already told you is a good actor, is the lead Volturi, and I couldn't help but crack up whenever he was on screen.  I do not believe that he meant for his portrayal to seem realistic.  I hope he intentionally hammed it up.  His reaction to hearing a heartbeat should be referred to whenever someone wants to know how not to act.  You can also use it as the perfect inspiration for a cartoony villain.  Either way, it's not good.  You also have the Swede starring as the taller, quieter Volturi.  If you've watched Hell On Wheels, you'll know why I call him the Swede.  What's funny is that he has played a vampire in two properties I've watched.  He was also a vampire on the most recent season of True Blood.  It's sad to say that his performance on that show was better acting.  I like him just fine, but he really just had to stand around and look about for Twilight.
7. The special effects -- A few times, there were passable effects, but they are largely unimpressive.  I like how the wolves look, but after four other movies, they still haven't made the vampires' movements look good.  They're still laughable.  The same goes for the sparkle effect.  
8. The pacing -- To make more money, they split the final Twilight book into two movies.  Perhaps because there wasn't enough material for such a move, as the pacing in this film is just plain terrible.  Some scenes go on too long, while other bits were left out.  Whomever was in charge of what went into the movie and what did not chose poorly.  No one needed to see Bella and Edward getting it on.****  We could have had less staring and more character growth.  I do have to give them points for streamlining some portions of the book, such as when Bella goes to meet with J.  Unfortunately, without better pacing overall, it's still an issue.
9. The lack of wolf interaction -- They decided to break the book into two movies, but they pretty much cut out all of the wolf interactions.  I find the relationships among the wolves to be much more interesting that Bella.  Of course, that is a personal opinion, so maybe it doesn't matter.*****
10. The uninspired opening -- You need to hook your audience when the movie starts.  That doesn't mean you need explosions and boobs, but you do need to do something to make the audience want to watch.  Perhaps because there is such a built in audience for Twilight, the idea of making the film genuinely appealing was tossed out.  Instead, the beginning of this film felt like the middle of a movie.  Since it was the middle of the book, that's apt.  Unfortunately, it's a poor move.  If you watch the last two Harry Potter movies, which are a single book split into two films, you don't have that weak opening in the second film.  The decisions those film-makers made served the film well.  It feels like its own beast.
11. The splitting of the book -- I was annoyed when they decided to split the last Harry Potter book, but when I saw the films, I recognized it as a good decision.  They handled it well.  Unfortunately, the did no such thing with the final Twilight book adaptation.  From the weak opening of the second movie to the terrible pacing, splitting the book was a bad idea.  
12. The ending -- While watching the end of the film, I was actually surprised.  Things were happening that I didn't remember.******  I was legitimately shocked.  I was even sad at one point.  They had the potential to make a difference with this movie.  They had the ability to actually do something interesting with the franchise.  Instead, the wussed out.  I give them points for how they did it, but it could have been so much stronger.  It could have actually meant something.  Instead, it's generic and boring.*******
13. The overlong credits -- I refuse to leave the theater before the credits finish.  In any showing, there is maybe one other group with this philosophy, but usually, it is just Mark and I.  I have done it for years, and there are certain movies where it seems to take forever.  This was one of those movies.  The credits just went on and on.  They insisted on having credits for everyone from all of the movies.  This series is in no way that epic.  They don't deserve that kind of send off.  

I appreciate any one that takes the time to create a movie.  I wish it was something I could do, but I know it is not.  That being said, there were a lot of choices made that were harmful to the film.  The final Twilight movie is much like the others, weak.  You can have fun watching it, but it's not a great film.  My favorite moment of the night was when Mark and I discussed what one would have to roll to throw Kristen Stewart at Robert Pattinson.  It turns out that you don't have to make a roll for that, as she is an inanimate object.  Who knew?

*I'm not counting the fact that it is the last movie as a positive attribute because they would make more if they could.  That wasn't a positive choice they made; it was a lack of material.

**I haven't seen it yet, but I will eventually get around to it.

***This is specifically why we waited a few weeks before seeing this movie.  I fully expected to be laughing at inappropriate times and didn't want to impact the viewing experience of others.  When we bought our tickets, only about twenty had been sold.  We decided to sit in the very back, which we don't usually do anymore.  We figured we would be less bothersome to others if we did; that was not the case.  There was a girl two rows in front of us that would look back whenever we would bust out laughing.  When Taylor Lautner took off his shirt, Mark let out a nice, loud woo; a girl a few seats down looked over at him.  I don't think they minded that as much, as they were feeling it too.  I just don't know if they realized he didn't mean it.********

****Seriously, all I could think of was whether this was filmed before or after she cheated on him.

*****Just a heads up...all of this is my personal opinion.

******Usually, I will re-read a book before seeing the film adaptation.  Since I'm reading a really good book, I didn't do that this time.  It made my memory of the events foggy.

*******I am being intentionally vague to keep the spoilers at bay.

********It is possible that Mark did mean it, but I don't want to think about that.