When it comes to the version of the Three Musketeers released in late 2011, the best advice I can give you is to avoid this film. This recent version of the classic tale has a multitude of problems. This movie wasn't even awesomely bad. I can enjoy bad movies, but the Three Musketeers was so uninspired that I just wanted to turn it off.
Let's begin our journey through mediocrity with the opening of the film. We get little mini-intros for the three musketeers, as well as Milady while they get the plot rolling. These little intros consist of still shots cut into action shots, with their names in old-timey font (which Tara would probably know the name of). This may be the most childish way of introducing pretty well known literary characters. I might not be able to remember their defining characteristics if you write their name down for me, but slapping them by their faces in the movie isn't going to help with that problem. Considering they don't feel the need to write out the names of other major characters later in the film, it just seems out of place and unnecessary.
Before the opening scene even concludes, we are treated to some terrible CGI. Attempting to make convincing CGI is no easy feat. Attempting to make a believable CGI effect with water as the main element is even more difficult. Instead of using practical effects for some water effects in the opening part of the film, the filmmaker chose to use CGI, and it looked terrible. These weak CGI effects carried through to a later scene. Luckily, it didn't involve water, but it still looked feeble. The Three Musketeers serve as a reminder that CGI is not always the best choice.
In all fairness, let's set aside those complaints, as you could say they are products of personal preference. Unfortunately for the Three Musketeers, poor writing is a problem a vast number of people will notice. The film was full of cliches and terrible dialogue. The writing was uninspired, as was most of the delivery. I will admit that I did laugh once. I'm kind of ashamed of it now, but it did happen. In my defense, I did cringe at least ten times during the film. From the unrealistic choices made to the terrible attempts at humor, it was hard for me to keep my mouth shut. Since Mark was watching the film with me, I didn't want to ruin it for him with my commentary.
Now, before you jump in and accuse me of not having the ability to suspend my disbelief regarding the decisions the characters make, I have the ability to suspend my disbelief just fine and did so during the film. Did I have a problem with the airships? Nope. Did I care that none of the science behind them was explained? Nope. Why? Because it was the only attempt the film made to be unique and interesting. If you're going to make the Three Musketeers, you need to do something with it to differentiate it from the versions that have come before. If you aren't doing something new with the story, what's the point? If I can go back and watch a different version that has already been made, what is the point of this new version? Do something new. Do something different. Otherwise, give the money to someone else to make a film we actually need. I'm not saying you have to change it vastly from the source material, but you do need to make me care about the characters or come up with a hook.
Further adding to my dismay is the actors they cast in the film. I love Milla Jovovich, but this was not the role for her. Actually, I am a big fan of quite a few of the actors in this film, but with uninspired writing, I couldn't figure out what they were doing there. What was Orlando Bloom doing there? Who tricked Christoph Waltz into making this film? I know Milla Jovovich is married to Paul W. S. Anderson, the director, but they need to realize that she doesn't need to be in all of his movies. As a matter of fact, it would have been better for her career if she had steered clear of this one.
I don't like doing negative reviews and will often employ the compliment sandwich when I do. I realize I didn't do that today, but that's because there wasn't much to be said that was positive. I respect the people that made the film as having done their best. I'm not saying I could do better, and I would have been happy to help make a blah movie such as this one. That being said, the only real positive I can come up with is that the costumes were pretty. That's it.
Please, don't waste your time on the Three Musketeers that was recently released to DVD and Blu-ray. It is not worth your time. Yester-Holly checked in to say that you should just re-watch the 1993 version that stars Tim Curry and Keifer Sutherland. Also, it has pre-crazy Charlie Sheen. Trust me on this. The new version is terrible. It doesn't add anything new to the tale, nor does it even do it justice.
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